Westcustogo Publishing House:
Intensity, Dispirit and Depression.

Terrific.

6/9/1996 3:30 PM

A terrific Sunday.

  1. She sat beside me at Open Issues.
  2. We talked.
  3. I was dressed to the hilt.
  4. My shoes were shined.
  5. My beard was shaved.
  6. I had on a clean shirt. "I like the color of your shirt."
  7. We sat together at church. (I added later) "They that pray together stay together."
  8. We held the hymnal together.
  9. I asked her to go out to eat afterwards. "Yes."
  10. After the fellowship hour I pitched in and did dishes to help her volunteer efforts.
  11. We went to "Sweet Tomatoes." (later) Again.
  12. We talked and talked.
  13. It was a rich friendship and communication.
  14. She decided to buy Stendhal's "The Red and The Black." on my recommendation.
  15. We went to "Book Stop" in her car and got it.
  16. She apologized for using me.
  17. "Feel free to use me anytime." She loved it.
  18. She gave me a couple of kisses on the cheek.
  19. She has fantasies about successful sex with Dan.
  20. Thursday she told me that he is terrible in bed - "He's old."
  21. She doesn't want an affair on the side while waiting for him. But her body does. (laters) Yes! Yes! Yes!
  22. She doesn't understand herself totally right now.
  23. I told her that she "is still in love with her late husband."
    whose former boat is where she fell in love with Dan.
  24. She can't masturbate successfully. She is horny.
  25. I kissed her little finger. She was very turned on.
  26. I can call her in the evening.
  27. Her plans with Dan are very long term.
  28. She goes to her friends in Washington next weekend.
  29. Dan is in the far East for the last half of June.
  30. She'll be with him starting July Fourth weekend. Indianapolis parade.

    6/9/1996

  31. I told her that I still have love for her.
  32. I told her that I still like her.
  33. Casper has written a letter to me. (She wants to communicate.)
  34. Cat has started a return letter.
  35. She was lonely at night this week.

6/10/1996 Monday Morning at 8:30 AM

after a virtually sleepless night.
  1. What can I say?
  2. She is being besieged by a master, me.
  3. A noon lunch is a date despite her rule of no more dates.
  4. And it is verbal intimacy. We are open about everything.
  5. It is also sexual. The current is still very much alive.
  6. Kissing a little finger is physical intimacy.
  7. And both types of intimacy tend to increase.
  8. I am prepared to tell her that I want to hear again
    the ecstasies of her sex voice. (Only tell her in person.)
  9. I am prepared to tell her that I want to taste her
    for hours. (Only tell her in person.)
  10. I want to tell her that I want to make her happy.
  11. What I offer is sexual energy - virility. I have it.
  12. She knows and admits that I am very good in bed.
  13. She will not forget it. She will think about it all the time.
  14. I have two excuses to call her today:
    1. A letter from Casper at 1:30 PM, and (Leave a message.)
    2. her doctor's appointment and diagnosis at 1:45 PM.
  15. I will tell her that I am decided about attending
    her friend Carrie's musical (annual) event in Washington.
  16. If she will allow me to go.
  17. "I'd like to take you to the airport, or (In letter 6/10/1996.) at least see you off."
  18. And welcome her return.
  19. "What airline and what time?"
  20. I do not have to work today. I've got my tasks cut out for me.
  21. Tell her that I throughly enjoy her as a person. (Letter 6/10/1996.)

6/10/1996 A difficult time at Noon.

after a sleepless night.
  1. I've just read a couple of pages.
  2. I need to read it all. And I will.
  3. Now maybe I can analyze the phone messages:
Call #1.
  1. Before listening:
    1. Like I said before. It was too fast. It was based on a mental rejection of me and
    2. It was based on dreams and fantasies of the future; not reality. He is not reality.
    3. I am reality! I breath, I sweat, I fart, I smell. I am reality.
    4. The boat had a lot to do with it. She loved that former life of living on it for six years.
    5. She is proud and ambitious. "We are what's happening!" is how she described coming into a harbor.
  2. 6/2/1996 Sunday 7:51 PM: "You are right. Dan and I really hit it off. Live at same energy level."
    Not available for dating. Please stay my friend. We have a lot in common."
    Can't live with you. Fond of you."
    Hope to see you in church."
    1. He snowed her.
    2. She snowed herself.
    3. It's the money.
    4. It's the life style.
I won't listen to call #2 today.
Strategy:
  1. I bet that he would reject Unitarianism / Liberalism.
  2. It's really the desire to pull away from me. Fear of love.
  3. It's a Cinderella story. A whirlwind. A dream. Livable dream.
  4. Call her Cinderella.
  5. Call him Prince Charming.
  6. Call him Tail Hook.

Jun 10 1996 I called around 6:30 PM

  1. She didn't sleep last night, either.
  2. Doctors Report is late -- not yet.
  3. Got a dozen roses today! (Me to myself:) How superficial.
  4. Told her I wanted to hear her sex voice one more time.
  5. Revoked that and said many more times.
  6. Said my ego needed it.
  7. Told her I wanted to go to Washington.
  8. She wouldn't tell me where.
  9. Flies to Washington Wednesday at 3:30 PM 5:20 PM.
  10. I offered a ride. She refused. (To the airport.)
  11. She knows my resolve.
  12. And she likes it.
  13. She'll get my letter saying I want to go to Washington, etc. tomorrow.

6/11/1996 4:30 AM Tuesday

  1. My evaluation of her character is that we will have an affair.
  2. And I am prepared to tell her of this evaluation.
  3. But I will still love her.
  4. I plan to call at 7:00 AM. 6:50.
  5. On the internet I got news of the National Music Festival.
  6. I'll tell her this.
  7. I'll tell her that I won't stalk her.
    I only go if she allows it.
  8. "I want to bring you down." I'll say.
  9. "I have no illusions about you."
  10. I've got less than a month.
  11. I don't have to win.
  12. I want to win. (later) I won.
  13. And I want to try. I have to try.
  14. Simultaneously I can give you love, comfort and caring.

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